MapQuest Announces Triumphant Return to Paper Maps

Codenamed “Project ReRoute,” this initiative aims to disrupt the modern GPS industry by bringing back the nostalgic charm of ink-smudged directions, jammed printers, and the thrill of missing your exit because you were flipping to page 3.

“Our data shows a 3% increase in people yearning for a time when they could get lost with purpose,” said Chad Reynolds, Chief Nostalgia Officer at MapQuest. “And what better way to relive that than through crumpled pages and vague instructions like ‘turn left at the old gas station’?”

As part of the rollout, MapQuest has included preloaded print-outs to classic American landmarks, including:

• Blockbuster Video #642 (Now a vape shop)
• Toys “R” Us (Parking lot still has faint giraffe shadows)
• Circuit City (Perfect if you miss buying 12 feet of AUX cable)
• Borders Books (May now be a Spirit Halloween—seasonally)

“We believe people don’t just want directions,” Reynolds added. “They want memories—the scent of hot plastic CD-ROMs, the feel of rewinding VHS tapes, the joy of screaming ‘RECALCULATING!’ at a piece of paper.”

• Inkjet Compatibility: Finally, a use for your dusty home printer. (Black ink sold separately. Also required.)
• Turn-by-Turn Text-Based Chaos: Featuring unhelpful instructions like “veer slightly right...ish.”
• Exclusive 56K Modem Soundtrack: Printouts now come with a QR code that plays the dial-up tone for full immersion.

A Bold Leap Backwards

MapQuest’s paper maps are expected to attract Gen Xers, nostalgic millennials, and Gen Zers looking for a “vintage aesthetic” to match their disposable cameras and irrational love of Y2K fashion.

When asked if they plan to update the maps with current businesses, MapQuest responded, “Absolutely not. That’s not the spirit of the experience.”